What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 14:41
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Put me off passion for life!!
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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
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Where the ultimate outsiders.
Comes on , in middle age.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
This is soul school!.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
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But, we were locked up after school.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
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I will be 64.
Im still living with it.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
In bed, not in music, which is better, a drummer or a bass player?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
What did i know ?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
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It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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I couldn’t, believe it.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But ive been too sick for many years..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
When she asked me how she looked .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I don,t even have a pension.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I have no regrets .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She wouldn,t have been !
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I think the readers, may guess!
I waited trembling.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And i lived it daily.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She loved him until the end.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I could never make a relationship work though!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Would this be the day?
I was 9 years of age.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She married twice! .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Who then, do I blame.?
My life is so biszare .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
All the time i was locked up.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But it wasn’t much.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
It was going to be , some day.
She found it foreign!.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She was in good health!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He resisted the act ,that day.
We all went to grammer schools
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I said to her
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was seconnd youngest,
My family never makes their pension either.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
One cannot live in the past .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Ive learnt so much.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Why did i forgive my father ?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
So whats the point in blame.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We were not on the streets..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
So, i spoilt her more .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I write beautiful poetry .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was very sick at this time too.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
(And it was in our own minds.)
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He knew the spot.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Especially a lifetime of it.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was scared of men, in general
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As i do to all so called friends.?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.